Premature Articulations

Beyonce's Revolutionary Suggestion

2009-01-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

In her latest hit song social revolutionary Beyonce Knowles offers a simple but profound suggestion for the young men who are attracted to "All the Single Ladies". The song tells a story we all experience a couple times a month: having just broken up the young lad sees his ex in a club where she's dropping it as if it we high in temperature. At the sight of his former lover writhing like a mealworm on a fishing trip, the lad becomes engorged with regret. What's to be done?!

Here Beyonce offers a revolutionary suggestion. "If you like it than you shoulda put a ring on it".

Young couples have been taking her suggestion to heart, and now women appear with at clubs with rings on the most attractive appendages. Sandra J., a frequenter of clubs and avid dancer is a firm believer in Beyonce's suggestion, taking issue with those who believe the ring is in reference to marriage. These people are trying to"force their conservative religious mindset into a song that is more relevant than any religion", says the wee lass. "If she were trying to sing about marriage she would have like, mentioned it. Besides, she says, like 'put a ring on it', not like 'put a ring on her'", quips the Sandra.

Sandra does offer some complaints about the suggestion however. If a guy likes a leg, putting a ring on it is a rather simple task. "But it is like REALLY difficult to put a ring on a butt!" she complains. This difficulty has not stopped young couples from "putting a ring" on the ladies' derrieres, even if they have to rely on tattoos to do it. Max Rothschild, owner of "The Gothic Circus" tattoo parlor says that ring tattoos on ladies badonkadonks has increased by 670% sing the release of "All the Single Ladies". "It's not always pleasant, but it pays the bills", quips Max.

Even Jay Z is slowly coming around to the idea. An insider source claims that when the rapper first heard the song he cried out "Zounds! Why did I choose only a finger!".

The Biola Row

2007-10-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

1 word. carpool.

It wasn't your Do-yers hat i swear

2007-09-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

Mr. Lopez (name changed to protect the guilty), I just wanted to apologize to you for giving you such a hard time last night. See, we only were checking out your unattended bike because we didn’t want it to be stolen. And we only chased you down because we wanted to let you know how dangerous it is to leave bikes unattended like that. It wasn’t because of your checkered shorts or your baggy white t-shirt. And of course who could possibly find your Dodgers (pronounced Do-yers by you) hat suspicious. Gang-bangers never wear such things right? Of course the egg was in our eye when you told us that you were partially deaf and thats why you didn’t hear us. How could we have known you had a hearing problem? After all you didn’t have a problem hearing our questions after we had you cuffed. See, we had also noticed that you had left a screwdriver stuck in your rear seat too. You said it was to change your tires. I wish the sheriff hadn’t carted you away so fast because I could have learned a lot about bikes from you. I never knew how to change a bike tire with just a flat head screwdriver. It looks hard. But I bet nothing is hard for you Mr. Lopez, you are truly a mexican-american ~~jack~~ juan of all trades.

Sincerly,

All of us at work

Viking Flick Tops Charts!

2007-04-17T17:16:00.000-07:00

Attention Blogosphere!

I feel that it is my duty to take a brief cyber-moment out of my busy, busy New Media schedule to inform all of you happy information poineers out there about what is most likely the most important film to hit theaters since the remake of Godzilla featuring Matthew Broderick. Of course I am talking about Pathfinder (as if there were any other movie on your minds). While you have probably not seen this film, nor really heard much about it, nor had any real desire to see it, I am convinced that it is only a matter of time before this little gem hits the AFI top 100 list.

If you were turned off by the movie posters featuring the aprox. 16' tall, battle-axe wielding, fur-lined, horn-helmeted Viking-monster-beast-man and the diminutively foregrounded Native American man, then first of all you'd better get used to it if you're going to watch this film (and you are GOING TO WATCH THIS FILM). Secondly, it is time to question your manliness. Suck it up... do not be fooled by this movie's seemingly simple theme and its apparent lack of any distinguishable plot. This is not your grandfather's Viking v. Indians movie.

Would your grandfather watch a movie about peace-pipe smoking, peace-loving, progressively Feminist Native Americans getting slaughtered by Vikings? Would it even occur to him that such a movie could exist? The answer is no... no, he wouldn't. Your grandfather lived in the days when people still thought that "Indians" killed people for somewhat understandable reasons (such as invasion by foreign powers), and they liked making movies that simply ignored this fact and cheered for the Cowboys anyway. But now... now we know that "Indians" did not, in fact, kill people at all. They are incapable of killing people! Those nice, fun-loving, face-painting indigenous friends of ours mostly just liked collecting feathers and meeting in tents to talk about excluding Vikings from tribe membership. It is, in fact, Vikings that kill people (those dirty Vikings), and that for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Vikings do not want goods or plunder... no, they want to wear big fur coats and indulge in the "insatiable thirst for violence" that is "in their blood".

And who is the Pathfinder, you ask? Well, it's not the person you think it should be. No, that would be completely unsatisfying. The Pathfinder is, in fact, an old Native American man who kills bears with sticks (treatment of Phalocentrism, anyone?). Contrast this, if you will, with the "hero" of the movie - an Indian-raised ex-Viking who kills Vikings with swords (the opportunities for contrast between these two characters are boundless...).

Central to the movie's compelling drama is the theme of identity, as the "hero" (once again, not the Pathfinder, in case some of you silly conventionalists once again want to lump this film together with such straightforward classics as Alien v. Predator - which is actually about an Alien that fights a Predator) struggles to find his place in the world and "figure out who he is". This theme is subtle, and it takes some work to tease it out. But a careful scene-by-scene analysis of the film will bring to mind the three times that characters explicitly ask Ghost (our "hero's" name) in cinematically awkward ways and at noticeably implausible times "who he is" while he is sleeping. And who is he? Well he sure isn't the Pathfinder... I think we've beat that one into the ground.

The real answer, of course, is not easily discerned. Our hero is, in the closing words of the film, "neither Viking nor Indian", and despite the fact that the movie's climactic scene features Ghost enunciating the old avalanche-initiating-yell-to-the-tune-of-"I-know-who-I-am"-trick, our clever filmmaker is not about to tidily collapse the sharp Viking-Indian distinction just for the cheap thrill of letting our "hero" find himself! So how does one go about figuring out who one is?

Well, of course, you have to kill a whole lot of Vikings.

But not too many of them ("have you had enough revenge yet?!" asks "the Pathfinder [once again, an old Native American man... not our "hero"]... we all do well to heed this advice).

But actually, come to think of it, all of them... or else they will kill your village.

But do it with love in your heart so you don't get consumed by hate...

But not love for the Vikings... because that would be bad...

But maybe love for the tribal girl you like (come to think of it, even SHE gets to be the Pathfinder at the end of the movie)...

Have I mentioned that the "hero" is not the Pathfinder, and never was and never will be?

I think that this says just about all there is to say about this film...

Hunger is for Idiots, PEONs rule

2006-11-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

Things have been pretty quiet at PA lately. That is because most of us have been busy stopping world hunger.

And we (and the U.S. Department of Agriculture) have succeeded. We have completed step 1ne of the Planned Evolution Of Nutrition (PEON) that will eradicated hunger by 2016. Step 1ne consists of cognitive evolution: that is mental transcendence, or the introduction of scientific terminology that accesses the reality of our self-discerning mythos of our empirically cultural being and reality. In other words, we're calling hunger something else.

And that something else is... "very low food security!" That's right, after years of serious scientific contemplation the enlightened PEONs have realized that "hungry" is an unenlightened and scientifically bereft term. Mike Nord, a PEON and lead author of the USDA annual report explained that "hunger is clearly an important issue, but lacking a widespread consensus on what the word 'hunger' should refer to, it's difficult for research to shed meaningful light on it." Hunger is an important issue, but who can really know what issue we are talking about when your employ such a scientifically bogus term? I know I don't.

PEONs have been getting some heat from the unenlightened who think that the term is "bulky," "misleading," and "stupid." PEON has responded by saying that the feel that they cannot respond until "criticism has been levied using scientific and therefore meaningul phrases instead of adolescent adjectives. Until such time PEON cannot expect to research and change any proposed problem."

Yet the question remains, why bother to change the term? Like all other smart people, PEONs are reductionists, that is they realize that we can reduce the human aspect of our common experience to more real and important things - like referring to "pain" as "C-fibers firing", and the "soul" as "neural networks." "When we can surpass the deceptive, unscientific speech of human experience we have power over the experience" says PEON Melky Melkovovich, creator of "very low food security" who invented the term after watching Arrested Development's character Gob try to describe his feelings. Like realizing that a car is more accurately an internal combustion transport unit, you can see it for what it is: the sum of its parts. This explains the motto of PEON step 1ne: "2+2 = 2+2". By using reductionistic methods PEONs will be able to perform rigorous scientific work capable of determining how they can stop what was archaically called "hunger." And so far the progress is fantastic - PEONs now believe that hunger may be caused by a shortage of available nutrition substances, or food.

What can you do to stop world hunger? Stop using the word. For example: change "are you hungry?" to "are you very low food security?" We also advocate pulling out your Dirty Dancing soundtracks and changing the song "Hungry Eyes" to the more accurate and compelling "Very Low Food Security Eyes."

P.S.

And yet the Washington Post (hotbed of EvangelRightWingConspiriFanatics) mocking us!

At least the USDA doesn't have jurisdiction over national monuments. Otherwise, just imagine it going after the inscription on the Statue of Liberty next: "Give me your energy-deficient, your financially challenged, your space-impaired masses yearning to breathe free."

In related news, the Eastern Orthodox Church has been fasting during the holiday season. What the crap? Since when do you get off not eating food during the holiday season? I mean, I'm no capitalist, but not supporting the consumeristic heart of the holiday season is just unpatriotic! I just want to throw a plate of Swedish meatballs in their face and yell at them for not eating when there's kids starving in Africa. Fasting - my vegan a**!?

A small point about female fragility

2006-11-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

A wise man once said "Women should never smoke cigars." I don't believe he was sexist, he was just wise. 100% of all women who have ever smoked have died. Science proves it, and has proved it again and again.

Men on the other hand, who smoke cigars, do not necessarily die. For instance, my friend Testostercone smoked a cigar yesterday, and today he is fine. Also, Elijah. He did not die, but was drawn up into heaven on a puff of smoke, and he probably enjoyed a nice pipe or two in his life.

For the latest demonstration of this time-tested principle, that the female sex, on pain of death, should not enjoy the coarser pleasures of cigars and hard liquor, my good friend, let her remain Nameless, or N. for short, yesterday smoked a cigar, against all reason and the sober counsel of friends and family. Today, she has been admitted to Wearahbouts Community Hospital for a periodontist, a burning pressure sensation in the heart.

Pray for her, lest her frail female body succomb to the same fate of all such bold and brash and, ultimately, chastised women. And let this be a lesson to all other of that fairer sex: do not smoke.

the options for the intelligent lay-scientist

2006-11-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

How old is the Earth?

The options:

Big Bang (macroevolution)
4.5 Billion years

Old Earth Creationism
60,000 Years

Young Earth Creationism
6000-10,000 years

Really Young Earth Creationism
4,000 years

Holy Shit Look How Young That Earth Is, Seriously, Creationism
10 years plus change

Leaning Towards Nowhere

2006-10-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

Some keen observers claim that CRUDPEC (Christ's Reforming Unifying Diaconate of the Prebystery Episcopated Church) is a half-way house between religion and non-religion. For many of are members, our path of universal liberation from all distinctions is a way of escaping the pernicious dicotomy between those two alleged states. We do not deny either claim, because to even see a difference between the two would be the height of oppressive exclusivity!

My siblings, let me tell you how I found the presence of Christ/a here. I had been raised in a typically fundamentalist UCC parish. I was constantly bombarded with what I realized to be hurtful slogans: "Do not put a period where God puts a comma" (what harm is it to God/dess/es how I punctuate, and who are you to limit my use of such markers?) or "God is still speaking" (maintains the fundie error of affirming that godde is so distinct from anything else as to be saying anything, everything, or both.) Even the word "include" is oppressive! "Clude" is clearly from "close"! They mean to radically close everyone in! How is this any different from 19th century British Imperialism? Quite naturally, the sight of such horrors made me flee from all such religion. But what then? That is when I found CRUDPEC, and learned the joy of radical nondistinguishing. When I was recieved into their fellowship and made a bishop. Yes, while other have stumbled towards the priesthood of all believers, we hold to the bishophood of all. Truly of All, we even lay hands upon the very stones of our buildings and declare them bishops.

While I am so happy where I am, the call towards Nowhere still rings. Not my old crude desire for nonreligion. No, for the true undisitinguished Nothing, religionless religion. Nowhere fever. It calls me, but I do not know if I will ever be able enter. But if and until then, there is no shame to being Nothing outside of Nowhere...

The Need to Feed

2006-07-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

You may have been wondering as to why The Ben – our most popular blogger - has not posted on PA recently. It is with much sorrow that I regret to inform our massive audience of the reason for his hiatus: he is a vampire.

That is to say he has diabetes.

Many of you Blade and Buffy fans out there already know a lot about vampires: they have human assistants, a thirst for blood, and occasionally a Gypsy curse provides them with a soul. You also know that they don't like light, garlic, and stakes driven through their heart. They most often have ties to secret and powerful societies such as The Pentaverat, The Knights Templar, The Girl Scouts of America, and Dan Brown. You know this, and I know this: and the vampires know we know this.

But I digress. Let me give you a couple hints about how to tell if your friend is a vampire.

1. Capes. Vampires often start thinking about wearing (if not actually wearing) capes. Cape coloring provides a rather strong hint as to the reason for the apparel. One thing that tipped me off to Ben's vampirism is that he was wearing a black cape with a red inside lining; which is why I didn't buy it when he sheepishly told me that he was getting ready for the release of Superman Returns. I haven't seen the movie yet but I'm pretty sure that Superman doesn't say "the blood is the life!" as he soars above metropolis. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Spooky Voices. This may include subtle catch phrases such as: "I never drink...wine," "It looks like you might have good taste," or "I really want to drink someone's blood right now." Vampires frequently use pick up lines like "can I get some O negative with that plasma?", "how 'bout we get you out of those clothes and into my punch bowl?", and "I really want to drink your blood right now." I was tipped off when The Ben hit on a girl by looking at her clothing label on her shirt and saying: "Just as I thought, 'Enjoy with dark chocolate or strawberries'." Also beware that vampires often slip into Transylvanian accents and enjoy Boris Karloff imitations.

3. Hospitality. The Ben has taken to reciting "Enter freely and of your own will and bring some your happiness with you." before he lets people cross our threshold.

4. Sunscreen.

5. Dietary Changes. Be wary if your friends suddenly and often avoid garlic. They will usually accompany this with other dietary changes and will say that they are "dieting" or "have the diabetes." Statisticians suspect that 47% of diets are vampire related.

6. Hunger and Thirst. Frequent and urgent need to eat is a major symptom. Often it is expressed with short, animalistic phrases such as "must eat! NOW!” or "I must feed!" and the occasional "I really want to drink someone's blood RIGHT NOW!" Subtle statements like this should let you know that something is not right. Vampires often will drink lots of water and need frequent trips to the bathroom, which coupled with sudden weight loss are signs that the normal nourishment for humans are inadequate for your friends "special" needs.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "self, aren't those symptoms for the diabetes?" Yes, they are... which proves my point. Diabetics are vampires. As Blade and Underworld show us the age of technology has drastically changed the life of the common vampire. Blade uses a serum to help him control his thirst, a serum that he (does this sound familiar?) injects into his bloodstream. That's right folks; this serum doesn't have a name for Blade; because he doesn't want to expose it for what it is: insulin!

Come on people, you know it's true: don't be naive. Vampires live around us, and most of them have their disease covered by their health care.

Why Panic! At The Disco will save the West

2006-06-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

Once in every long span of years, an artist creates an album that sets the spiritual and cutural tone in music for the next eon of culture, whether that eon be 10 years or 10 months. Among such eventful art-works are The Who's Tommy, Led Zepplin 3, U2's Joshua Tree, Whitney Huston's 'The Bodyguard' soundtrack, and Josh Groban's Closer.

The new album by Panic! at the Disco is not such an album; it is too sublime to be classed with such 'flash in the cultural pan' fodder. Why you ask? Because A Fever You Can't Sweat Out may just be the best album ever recorded in any studio in any place IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Now, you may be saying to your self "The Evanger's just kinda a little obsessed with some new band and is making outrageous claims late at night that he will quickly deny once the new Dashboard album comes out." Well, my doubting Thomas of a friend, the new Dashboard album IS out, and here I am, saying that Panic! is historically momentous. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW!

Take, for example, the second song on their album, which is called, and I kid you not, "The only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is press coverage." How's THAT for the name of a song. If you are wonderin what I'm geeking out about, take another look at that song title. One, it's a friggin sentence. How many bands in the last 500 years have used such sophisticated grammatical structues in their song titles. That's right, one: Panic at the friggin Disco. Two, the sentence has depth, both timeless and cutting edge. What better to educate the youth of america about than the fleetingness of fame, the fickleness of the press, and the oppressive 'to me onta'-ishness of public opinion? It's a friggin history, philosophy, religion, and common sense lesson all in one song title.

Need I say more? I shall. In the song I mentioned above, there is a line that says: "We're just a wet dream for the webzine"-----utterly brilliant. The consonance, the assonance, the alliteraion- all superb, and don't forget, once more, the profundity of the message.

So, by now you can see why I think Panic! at the Disco is the most amazing band since EVER! And what's more, the west is in jeopardy folks: just turn on the news and you hear of crime raising, materialism on an all time high, illiteracy literally nawqing away at out children and out children's children. It's time to fight back, faithful readers. ITS TIME TO FIGHT BACK, WORLD! I hereby suiggest that A Fever You Cant Sweat Out be mandatory listening for EVERY PERSON IN AMERICA.' Only then will this 'democracy'be restored, only then will our leaders see the folly of their shallow imperialism of their war mongering, mysogenistic, conservativo-censorist ways, and start, with Panic! singing: 'I chime in with "haven't you people ever heard of closing the God-Damn door?"'

One final note. The West was founded on the principle of Socratic questioning in order to arrive at timeless, even esoteric, truth. Panic! At the Disco follow such a philosophic path. One need look no further that the song title: "I write sins, not tragedies" to know that Panic! wants us to ask the hard question, the first of which is: What in the friggin heck does it mean to write sins? And with that question echoing in the American psyche, my dear friends and readers, the West is that much closer to utopia.

A Bold Move of Progress and Equitism!

2006-06-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

I just returned from the Generating Convention of the Christ's Reforming Unifying Diaconate of the Prebystery Episcopated Church (CRUDPEC). Truly godde has done a new thing in the church that s/he/it has greatly blessed!

We in CRUDPEC pride ourselves in making the greatest strides towards true justice, more so than that backward lot in the Episcopate Church (TEC) or the arch-fundamentalist United Christ's Church. While those uncontested bastions of medievalism are barely starting to hear of the bold rejection of gender distinctions boldly proclaimed by Testostercone, the spirit of God/dess has passed over them and given us a bold new thing.

We have elected +Pollywannacracker to be the first avian Presiding Bishop of any denomination! The vote was overwhelming and affirmative, as we had shedded the last of the reactionary zealots that insist on a human-only ordination. No one had yet dared acheived such an act of inclusionary justice, although sibling group, the Revolutionary Catholic Church in Cleveland, had previously allowed the ordination of Fido+, a loving Labrador, as a priest. However, we have further broken down the barriers of species for Christ/a's transgressive love.

After chirping a beautiful liturgy, our new Presiding Bishop-elect addressed those assembled with a stirring charge: "Pretty Bird!" Indeed, we have given the pretty bird to the Church Universal as a gift. Of course, those fundamentalists that control all the other mainline denominations still insist on making distinctions between anything (human/unhuman, male/female/ect, progressive/reactionary, right/left) and will be slow to awaken to this new thing. And those bearers of the banner of Trinitarianism and Crusade at Biola University will no doubt consider this quite funny. But, in truth, it is the Pretty Bird of the Holy Spirit who laughs over them all.

Panera Bread, or the path to Satan?

2006-06-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

For many years I, and the entire premature crew, have gone about our business buying gluten free vegan patties from independent retailers and made hemp loaves from the garden in our back yard (no deforesting required) which is fertilized by our own feces to help with the great circle of being. We have lived with the land, and the land has been good to us. Today I was tricked by an aquaintance into visiting a relatively trendy establishment called Panera... but it should be called Satan's bread for foolish mortals who want to walk the primrose path to hell (possibly too long for the signs which is why they chose panera). Not only is their establishment a "for profit" capatalistic greed machine which, by its very existence exploits minorities, plants, and animals everywhere, they also sell animal flesh, coffee which was obtained by kidnapping Columbian farmers' daughters, and bread that was made from nonconsenting grains! They literally raped the grain to make their bread! This is a bit of a tangent though. Evil practices in and of themselves don't make a "business" a path to Satan, they have to try to promote them in others. This brings me to the much more sinister aspect of their earth-raping minority bludgeoning ways; they subconsciously indoctrinate anyone who enters their establishment to do the same as they with the irresistable wiles of the only thing stronger than my sense of environmental duty... SEX!

I know what you're thinking, how do they use sex to indoctrinate? Do they have strippers on the tables or have messages hidden in the wallpaper, perhaps they play Luther over their sound system? Though I am sure all of these are in the works once they have hooked the populace, they are considerably more subtle now... they make bread! Anyone who has ever looked at a baguette has noticed immediately the phallic shape, and a hearty loaf of french bread is no better. They, under the guise of an eating establishment make everyone participate in their oral fixation. Not only are the male genitalia exploited for econimic gain, women too are not left alone in their patriarchal position. Right next to their blood-stained coffee is... MILK! This is obviously designed to make us all think back to our own childhood desire of our mother's breasts! This plan is so insidious that Karl Rove hisself could not have conceived of it. The only possible explanation is that that bastion of Christian conservatism in Los Angeles has had their school of psychology working on this for decades biding their time until the public was dullest, the Iraq war was just a diversion from this more sinister plan.

So now what do we do? How can we stop this Juggernaut of a plan from coming to fruition? There is only one possible solution... pride. We have seen through their evil machinations and have thus defeated them by default. Spread the word to everyone you know about the truth of this great Bread Satan, and then go to Panera as often as possible. Order their phallic bread and drink their bloody coffee with the fruit of lactation in it, but as you sit enjoying their subtle, relaxing, and expansive atmosphere maintain a smug grin. Whenever you interact with their employees (some of which are attractive which only makes it worse) keep your smile and offer a veiled comment just to let them know that you are on to them... "Nice place you have here *wink*, I really love your bread *wink*." They will never know what hit them...

People are women 2: Adventures in logic pt.2

2006-06-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

The matrix teaches us that there is no spoon. Maybe the rabbit hole goes deeper: maybe there's no binary.

On/off, black/white, rich/poor, male/female, gay/straight... maybe these concepts aren't as distinct from each other as we have been made to believe. Maybe there's part of Off that bleeds over into On, and so forth.

Sure we need binary to run computers, but here in the real world (are you with me Bloggers!) life isn't run by 1s and 0s. When it comes down to it people aren't algebraic: there is not x and y (except with chromosomes, but what bearing do they have?).

It has already been proven by Xeno that you can't touch any objects or reach any destination, and this due to the one-ness and connection of the universe. It has already been strongly defended by Augustine that death is actually seperation. And Hitler was driven to anthropological experiments aimed at distinguishing races by his evil Satanic uncle Rasputin. What does this teach us? Difference is bad.

According to my recent data, continuums are ok though. For Xeno can say: "It's cool, I'll be able to touch the door because I move through the magnificent continuum of stuff."

Ok, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "If there's no discernable difference between anything, then what ground do I have to stand on when arguing with the car dealership about getting my new Scion in red instead of pink?" I say, it's cuz there are some times that you can draw lines on the continuum and decide not to cross them.

Having solved that problem; here's the point. There is no spoon. Spoon is an established point in the utinsel continuum. There is no gay: there is only variation on the sexuality continuum, with Anne Heche sitting about in the middle.

Don't be ignorant, see things in their context. Be real and reject your binary ignoramia. Be understanding and realize there is no difference. In todays intolerant world, it will make all the difference.

Femini-what?

2006-04-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

We here at premature articulations like to read magazines. Some of our favorites include Rolling Stone (my favorite), GQ (grammatronbishop's favorite), and Family Fun (The buddy's favorite).

But a travesty has happened. The Testostercone, who frequently reads such macho fare as LowRider Magazine, Sports Illustrated, and The Advocate, has recently began subscribing to a certain conservative University's (CCU for short) magazine. On first inspection, one will find a very well crafted, securely stapled magazine consisting of words and (now, for a limited time!) pictures.

This is where the Quality ends, folks! CCU Magazine must be blacklisted. Sure, it comes nowhere close to the absolute absurdity that is Time, but seriously folks! What tipped me off to the fact that this magazine of CCU was the second worst of all time? The title article: "The feminization of the church".

(Now, I know what you're all thinking. "The Evanger", you're thinking, "Isn't Premature Articulations tired of beating conservative gender theory into a bloody, unrecognizable mass? Does anyone other that the Testotercone care about such drivel? Aren't we all already completely agreed that there is NO PHYSICAL DIFFERENCE between men and women? Can't you write another of your signiture articles on wacky findings in etymology?" Well, I thought you'd never ask, astute reader. And the answer is no. And yes. No and yes. In that order.)

According to the article in th CCU magazine, the church is losing men. Apparently contemporary churches drop men faster than Fox dropped Firefy (though, apparently the church keeps all the episodes in order). As one Christian leader put it: Äs long as Christianity appeals to the emotional, therapeutic, interpersonal, relational areas, it's not going to appeal to men as much as to women." Further, it argues that "the reason younger churches typically have more men than older churchesmay be because more of men's gifts--like vision casting and risk taking--are needed until a church becomes settled."

Do you hear that women? Apparently you are emotional and relational, and all the men are the risk takers. What next, are you going to tell me that men only have brains and women only have hearts? Why can't men be relational, tell me THAT! Why can't women take risks and cast vision, huh?

Obviously this article is seriously misguided, not in its premise that the church is becoming feminized, but in assuming that there is any such thing as femininity or masculinity outside of hate-driven socilization. Apparently no one let CCU know that its THE FREAKIN 21ST CENTURY! Gender distinctions and petty squabbles over "men being too girly" or "girls being too manly" are SOOO last millenium.

I feel as if the whole world needs to reread the testotercone's and Bilford's articles on gender differences. Can you believe that CCU still thinks that color has any real relation to gender? Talk about prieval! The cover of the magazine, bosting the main article, features a PINK cross with a PURPLE, FLOWERED background! I take it that this in an of itself makes the CCU magazine utterly and completely intolerable.

Wow, I feel better now that I got that out and reread my previous articles. It's so great to reassure oneself that one is correct. Now, who wants a hug?

Drawn and Quarterly: Why the Gentlemen of Biola should have Sex Now!

2006-03-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

Why?

Because "the leer of a Christian virgin is a strange thing." writes GQ, "a kind of intense, unintended tick or seizure."

Walter Kirn is right. These Abercrombie wearing, ESV Bible reading, cappacinno drinking, Coldplay listening, Plato quoting rebells represent the trendiest and most alien of all subcultures: The Christian Ascetic. Everything from giving up your Saturday night fever for your Sunday morning fervor to sublimating your libido into heart-wrenching intimate conversations with others makes these "preprogrammed" religious robots part of a dreamlike-albeit-deadly dorm experience.

Holding back from sexual acts leads to ingnorance, claims Kirn. "If someone has no idea what constitutes sex...then how would he know he can barely wait to have it or be so sure he'll enjoy it when he does?" I find this true from my experience as well: most of my remarkable insight came from consistant coitus. But before I had sex for the first time I was afraid I would hate it: I could have waited for years without the urge to do anything. As one of my friends said soberly, "the first time, I thought it would be like government paperwork." Now that I have had sex, I am awake, and more aware of my body.

And I, like Kirn, now know that sex is enjoyable, but not that enjoyable. Sex is great, but it's not as great as the virgins depriving themselves of it think it is. Come on. It's funny how the people I am so mad at depriving themselves of such a great good think it's such a great good. How can you deny yourself something that's such a mediocre good? Don't you realize how important it is to have this all-right bodily need taken care of whenever possible? Come on you crazy, chaste Christians, sex wasn't such a big deal until you decided not to have it.

And these brainwashed virgins think it’s going to be utterly fantastic, as if it were part of some sacrament. They think that it has something to do with souls and intimacy and love and something like nuclear fusion - making two people one, when really it's just flesh rubbing.

That is what I find so offensive: these good looking, God loving, otherwise cultural palpable are telling me that sex can be greater than I've been conceiving. They're telling me that I could have a better time than I am having now, be in a better relationship with my lover, and be better person than I am now. In short, sex could be a better part to a better and whole life. And they're frukn' virgins! Losers! What do they know?

Kirn is almost impressed by the citizens of Biola, the collegiate citadel of chaste Christians. "I watch the sun-kissed virgins come and go … and I can’t help but wonder if they’re on to something. They seem more at ease than I was at their age. When the girls say hello to boys, the boys don’t cower, and when the boys hail the girls, the girls don’t flinch. The whole atmosphere is composed, Edinic, safe, the way Hair said the Age of Aquarius would feel once America's young people made love not war. But the dream failed, and those who watched it fall are dreaming… to usher in an age of peace and freedom by making war on making love."

Kirn you weak minded fool! Biola isn’t an idyllic picture of serenity and peace! First of all, most of the population are conservative right-wingers, who would take away abortion and the morning after pill, while sending the poor to Iraq to kill innnocent Islamic terrorists (what did they ever do to us?)! This is an elaborate front for a conservative army that will invent guilt from the pulpit, the CEO chair, the psychologist’s coach, and the Sout Dakota Senate seat. They have determination, cunning planning, and a prayer to see their “kingdom”ushered into this earth.

Secondly, as Kirn points out, these kids aren’t without high individual cost. This new trend of chastity (not founded in the Bible but surely invented as a reaction to Hair) tears these kids up inside. They may walk around with apparently good relationships with each other, but we all know that they are torn in two by the constant denial of their libido. If you look close enough, I’m sure you’ll see it.

All of these chaste Christian conservatives need to get with the program and act like normal people and have sex. Why? Because it’s causing them grief and guilt. It’s making them stupid in regard to their body’s wants and desires. It’s making them pawns in an elaborate conspiracy to take over their world. But what is the main reason that Biola should make their chaste couples copulate immediatly? Because "the leer of a Christian virgin is a strange thing."

Bilford...

2006-02-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

...has done it again, folks, this time with a wonderful piece on the testotercone's article on women and men. Check it out:

"The new article on Gender Roles and physiology by Testortercone is phenomenal.

It actually ties in with some the research that I have been involved in while on leave from my more environmental endeavors.

The research I have completed while at the Rollins Unuiversity Center for gender enhancement and rehabilitation suggest that the Testertercone may be more right than many of us even want to believe. The research I have done suggests nothing more and nothing less than that there is NO PHYSICAL DIFFERENCE between men and women, NONE AT ALL. This, of course, is what we've expected all along, and is really what the feminist agenda (of which I am an atimate part) has been trying to suggest all along, and now has the ammunition to!

What's the next step, you ask? Already, Rollins University press is about to publish an article calling for grants to conduct a study as to whether there is any difference between anything in the universe AT ALL! Think! Not only woudl this make the world a more tolerant place, but it would virtually end discrimination and social conditioning COMPLETELY!

I for one, already convinced that there is no physical difference between men and women, should like to see further research on these exciting topics. Who's with me?"
(from ruthringtonreport.blogspot.com)

Women are people 2: Adventures in Logic pt. 1

2006-02-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

Hello boys and girls,

Let's start with a syllogism of identity: A=A. Note that this is not: A=B.

You may remember that in algebra you can substitute "is" with an = sign. Today you can substitute sexism with it instead.

Someone once told me that men are the same as women. That means that they are equal with men, that they are same, that they are =. There is no difference in value, and there certainly is no difference in function. A woman is just as capable as a man in any job, and to deny him/her equality in opportunity is a crime; not just to the person, but to society as well. Observation of the transgendered will highlight this: they are just as capable before the trans-gender-is-ation as after.

"But don't men and women have different chromosomes?" Well excuse me, but when was the last time that you checked a person's chromosomes?

Some have told me: "The Testostercone, males and females develop differently," but I say that they also develop the same. They tell me about the fetus, and how the male fetus is "bathed" in some male hormone (I forget which one it is) and that is supposed to change them throughout their prenatal development. I say, whatever, both the male and the female are in uteruses aren't they? Come on! Look at all the things they have in common! They’re both in a uterus! There’s way more in common than there is different. This could be normal variation!

Plus, am I supposed to think that that "female" aspect doesn't have the same sort of impact as some sissy hormone?

Others say: "Yo homes! but like isn't the male brain different from the female's?" My response here varies but it usually includes a discussion on whether that's the woman's brain or a complicated emotion coordinator/ amplifier. Well, let me tell you that anyone who knows anything about the brain can tell you that the parts of the brain that they know best about are those having to do with 1. Sensory input, 2. Body regulation/action, and 3. Emotions. They have a harder time pinpointing cognition; especially linear thinking that takes place while doing logic. In fact, Damasio claims (with a convincing body of evidence, and the support of many others) that emotion is essential for our daily cognitive tasks, and that without it we make foolish decisions and cannot function well.

Maybe the problem with the boys in our school system is that they haven't been allowed to cry, but feel forced to direct their feelings through more destructive means like sports and rough-housing. It certainly isn't because they develop differently, or at a different pace than girls, or have different cognitive faculties.

It seems clear to me that both males and females develop the same, they think the same, they have the same emotions in the same amounts, and they should be treated the same. Man's Nietzschian command over woman has been one stemmed from resentment and effected through myth. Well today is the day that the myth dies: there is no difference between men and women. If A=B, than A=A.

We are the same in value and function: which means, more or less, that A=A. Man= Woman. "He'll smell bad and drink beer while watching football because that's what men do", or "She needs to cry and drive poorly and worry about her appearances because she's a woman," are useless misnomers. Women drink beer and watch football, while men drive poorly and worry about their appearances. We can think of exceptions to the myth which proves the Archetype wrong.

So ~~boys and girls~~, why make the distinction?

Why not have one bathroom complex for both genders? We should all be mature and should be able to handle it. Why not have baby boys in pink with dolls and baby girls wearing cameo with toy machetes? Why not let women vote? Why not get rid of Express for Men and just have Express? Why not forget the language of gender, and just call people "people"?

Since A=A, and I have logically proven that men and woman are both people, I think it is time to visit the deli for some GLBT. What's the difference between homo and heterosexuality? Answer, nothing. What's wrong with going from male to female if there is no difference? Nothing, because you're not going anywhere, at least not anywhere worth mentioning.

More on this to come…but I have to wax my eyebrows before I go over to The Evanger’s slumber party…

Bilford E. Ruthrington

2006-02-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

I must confess that I thought I was the best writer I'd ever met until I was at borders yesterday.

Yesterday being tuesday, I was checking the new releases section when I found a curous book called "The Dipping Point" by Bilford C. Ruthrington. It was an amazing book that I couldn't put down (blasted super glue accident!).

In it, Bilford put forth the proposition that Business models in the late 20th century were govened primarily by the "Dipping" principle, wherein... well, you know, I actually skipped that part, cause it was boring, but anyways, at the end of the book, she concludes that dipping shoudl be expanded to include the principles of... okay, I'll admit, I didn't read the end either.

But my point was, the book is great, and made me interested in this author Ruthrington. I found out that Bilford J. Ruthrington is actually a pen name. The real name of the author is actually Ruth Forde, but she changed it to Bilford M. Ruthrington in order to sell her book about business, which, she says, is a literary market still dominated by men.

Ms. Forde was so fascinating, I decided to email her. She was delighted to have another fan, and has told me that she'd love to be a contributor on our up and coming blog. She does have her own blog, but I haven't yet been given permission add a link yet.

Be on the Ruthrington lookout!

Stool Scharting

2006-02-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

A hive in I louse bith a wunch to betting nother of do gradege colluates! Have you do idy anea how it do hard is to kany ind of wool schork you when liberal houses artmates hit at some drinding academic beer and books reaking for fun? Its dedrater. Am I here? Beading rextcause tebooks. I have to mate, sand my house, to have fun reading gall in the presence me for by. Just shout want at them and to tell them to go do something tetter thith weir bime! Practice like on the Moul Salibure 2 artial Carts proguluation simgram, actually so I could have come sompetition then whey gectually at yawa brom the fooks and me challenge. Ted gran, I expect good beat me dem thon't be to so wey thould, I would at least like loose butt, me so whealth on ace and hile.

School starting

2006-01-29T13:28:00.000-08:00

I live in a house with a bunch of nothing better to do college graduates. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do any kind of school work when you liberal arts housemates sit at home drinking beer and reading academic books for fun? Its retarded! Here i am reading textbooks because i have to and my housemates have the gall to be reading for fun in my presence? I just want to shout at them and tell them to go do something better with their time, like practice on the Soul Calibure 2 martial arts simluation program so i could actually have some competition when they actually get away from the books and challenge me. Granted, i don't expect them to be so good they would beat me but i would at least like to loose some health once and a while.

meow meow

2006-01-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

I am not faddish.

I heard that the latest thing to do for the kids to do is to start "Fight Clubs" where they beat each other up in order to learn good life lessons and to keep it real instead of being decadent. It's a fad popularized by the Brad Pitt movie "Meet Joe Black" where he travels to see the Dali Llama after being traumatized by Kevin Spacey cutting off his wife's head.

According to the homies in my gang everyone and Julio's mom are in these clubs.

For those of you bandwagon face beaters I have a strong word for you: whatever. Me and my hombres have been doing something way more cooler than all o' that. We have Scratch Club (tm). Scratch Club (tm) is where we introduce a member to a rabid cats claws through a series of well planned "fights". For instance, there is one where we tie catnip to a member’s ankles and around his neck, and then throw upwards of 7.5 tom cats into the room with him. We go until the leader says it’s enough. It seldom lasts over 50 seconds.

In another act of rebellion against our cooperate lives, we tie a guys' hands behind his back, gag him, and drop a cat on his face. This one is quicker, but some swear it's a valuable pathway to existential alignment.

One of the more horrific methods used in The Club (tm) is one that is colloquially referred to as : The Couch Potato. Here a member sits motionless on a chair while two cats use whatever part of his body they desire to sharpen their claws. It is this one that really includes audience participation. "Watch TV will you!"" Take that lazy-face!" The peer pressure really encourages the member to stay still. Plus, if he moves, we drop a cat on his face.

Some have said that our Membership (tm) poses cruelty to animals. Come on. Let's to the math. Fight Clubs are beneficial to people's existential well-being. You want to exclude cats from improving their existential well-being? You want to be the one informing the poor little tomcats that they can't sharpen their claws on our earlobes for some lame-booty political reason? The cats love this!

Don't believe me? Cat psychologist Dr. Richard Polsky does (visit him on the web at http://www.dogexpert.com/Polsky%20PR/catpsychologist.html). Richard H. Polsky, Ph.D., C.A.A.B is a certified applied animal behaviorist. According to Dick "the stalking, pouncing, and attacking behavior directed towards moving objects, such as the arms and legs of an owner, are usually manifestations of the cats' predatory tendencies. This type of behavior is frequently found in the context of play." Hear that everybody! The cats are playing with us. Under the guise of "cruelty to animals you want them to deny their instincts and put a stop to their play, well I am not for it!

I would rather have a cat dropped on my face.

What no Man has Bought Before

2006-01-20T21:52:00.000-08:00

I was interested to learn that William Shatner has sold his kidney stone (a show stopping chunk of calcification that brought the star to his knees during shooting on the set of Boston Legal), for $25,000.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/4623280.stm

Shatner is somewhat notorious for strange ideas with limited appeal (have you seen Tek War?), but this is more often the norm rather than the exception for aging stars. Besides, his magnanimous good humor makes stunts like this (and others) endearing rather than vexing.

What mystifies me is that the stone was actually purchased for $25,000. The mind boggles to think why anyone would want to own a kidney stone. Intrinsically, this stone has negative worth - unless, I suppose, one had a pathological dislike of Shatner and therefore desired to own the instrument of his agony. That being the case, I think the footage of his painful collapse would be infinitely more valuable, and more cathartic to own, and watch, and watch again.

Also mystifying to me is this article with its British take on Shatner's charitable auction (did I mention he sold it for charity?):

http://www.theinquirer.net/?article=27784

Its insipid and unfunny writing is banal and uninformative in the utmost. Further, it makes use of vaguely disturbing words like "telly" and "flog" in a conversational manner that makes me feel precisely the way one would feel if talking to an insipid and doggedly unfunny Brit in person.

Fish Cruelty

2006-01-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

The topic of the day is fish cruelty. I am referring of course to the asthma awareness Public Service Announcement (PSA) featuring a dying goldfish.

http://www.noattacks.org/psa.html

I am certain that the fish did not enjoy this. Despite the disclaimer on the "No Attacks" website, I cannot help but think that the fish must have at least suffered emotional and psychological trauma. But, this causes me to wonder, how does one judge cruelty against an animal that has no means of communicating its displeasure to its torturers? Perhaps we have not done enough to understand the ways in which fish communicate. This PSA is undoubtedly for a good cause, and the air starved fish is intended to represent the victim of an asthma attack. Still, I question whether the means have polluted the intended end.

Imagine if a real asthma attack had been featured in the commercial. Imagine the public outcry if an innocent child was allowed to suffer on a widely televised PSA. I ask you, is the fish not just as innocent? Who are we to judge the suffering of a child worth more than that of a fish? Certainly any fish would disagree. But have we asked the fish? A fish? Any fish at all? I submit that we have not, and the burden lies with us human beings, nay - as living creatures, to ask them. Are we to proud to learn the language of the fish and enquire of them a simple question? "Do you, the undersigned, wish to appear in this commercial, having full knowledge that this involves approximately 30 seconds of acting in an asphyxiated state - which carries with it the risk of extreme discomfort, brain damage, and possibly death - further do you waive all liability for yourself and family members in the event that one of the aforementioned potentialities does in fact occur?" Really, how many fish must suffer at the cost of our vain desire to have happy, healthy children?

Equality Ride

2006-01-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

It has come to the attention of we at PA that there is a very important activism group touring the country called Equality Ride. Here's a direct quote from their website (Equalityride.com):

"Scheduled to take place in the spring of 2006, the Equality Ride will take 25–30 young adults on a seven-week bus tour to confront numerous religious and/or military colleges that ban the enrollment of GLBT students. At each stop along the journey the members of the Equality Ride will present a powerful case for GLBT equality."

GLBT, as all you avid readers know, stands for Guacamole, Lettuce, Bacon, and Tomato, a combination of hamburger condiments that has became very popular in the 80's and has met a lot of resistance from conservative organizations who stick to a more traditionalist KMMP (Ketchup, Mustard, Mayonnaise, and Pickle) dogma. Many students fond of GLBT have been persecuted and even kicked out of KMMP oriented schools in the last two decades.

But now the tide has turned, and equality for our oppressed GLBT brothers and sisters is being preached nationwide.

We interviewed one GLBT student (let's call him Hank) who goes to a local university that makes students sign a contract saying that while at the school, they will not engage in any GLBT behaviour. Here was his statement:

"My soul has been tortured ever since I came here. I went to a public high school where GLBT activities were deemed a lifestyle choice, and most people wouldn't judge you. But here I feel like eveyone's looking over my shoulder, waiting for any sign of 'unnatural' activity. I've had to keep by strict KMMP guidelines while eating in the school cafeteria, but after my hamburgers I always feel unsatisfied. Once I caused an upraor when I inadvertently asked for extra bacon in the lunchline. I tried to pass it off as a slip of the tongue, but ever since I've been treated like a second class citizen. I actually flunked an otherwise well written paper in which I suggested that perhaps more government funding should be put toward why so many people choose the GLBT alternative lifestyle. But I don't want anyone to think I've given up my lifestyle just because of the conservative pressure. I regularly go out to Carl's Jr. and engage in 'forbidden' GLBT dining. But if my friends who go to school wiht me find out, I'm sure they'd tell administration. Just the other day I heard of a GLBT friend who was sent to mandatory counseling to cure him of his GLBT ways. I have another friend who smuggles fresh avocados into his room every other night. I'm not that desperate though. He claims he has a genetic predisposition toward the GLBT dining lifestyle, but I think that for me it was a choice."

As our avid readers can see, this young man's life is being ruined by the conservative KMMP agenda! Thank Gaia there are organizations like equality ride who will stand up for the dining choices of all americans.

Glide on, Equality Ride!

adventures in phonetic etymology

2006-01-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

Jim Bark ben-Barfol Hopler is, as you know, one of the great lounge singers/televangelists of the 20th century. Though many have attributed this to his famed jazz-club revivals (who could forget the classic "2% Word-fat baptisms" and "1/2 off exorcism saturdays"?!), I believe that the real key to this great man(?)'s sucess lies in the providential nature of his name's etymology.

What do I mean by this? Well, let's break his(her?) name into phonemes:
(1)Jim: In Jim we have a classic american themed phoneme with the abbeviational qualities that we have come to expect from that great colonial spirit of disregard. 'James', of course, would be right out.

(2)Bark: To follow up the Jim phoneme with a B-fronted phoneme is to call to association once again the very colonial phoneme cluster of 'Jim-Bob'. But just as we are about to be whisked away into Waltonian reminiscence, we find a phoneme suffix that shatters and exceeds all expectations, for who could have forseen "Bark"? It has a nice armored, woody feel, which infuses the folsky Jim phoneme with a testeronic vocality.

(3)ben: ben, as you know, is a phoneme which dates back to the Bible times. It is Hebrew for:"son of". (you know, I'll admit it, I sometimes make up phoneme meanings, and this, my dear friends, is one of those times. But rest assured, though this phoneme has stumped me, the others in this materful man's name have not!)

(4)Bar: The Bar phoneme is reminisent of the previous Bark phoneme, yet pushes one forward into the newness of the next phoneme. We linguists often call this a "linking phoneme". Such phonemes add a depth of repetitive newness and simple complexity to already exceptional names such as this one.

(5)fol: fol is a multidimentional phoneme heavy with autumnal suggestions as well as verdant connotations. This is known as a "fuzzy phoneme", and often lends to a word a humming, vaguish layer of verbalistic quality.

(6)Hop: this utterly delightful phoneme denotes a sudden vertical giftedness. It adds a surprisingness and exuberance which is missing from so many names today.

(7)ler: ler is an ancient phoneme dating back before the fall of Babel. It was used, proportedly, by the son of the first man, and denotes the culmination of an expositional entity. To further deepen the significance of the phoneme, it is placed at the very end of the word, perhaps to draw out its latent culminational nuance. Yet, the significance does not end there, for it is the seventh phoneme in the word, and the number 7, as we all know, looks like a hangman's noose and denotes the season of midwinter when hedgehogs emerge from hibernation to root around in gardens. Clearly this man was masterfully named.

Name amalgamation

2006-01-13T01:37:00.000-08:00

One of the new, and I think more delightful trends, is name amalgamation as an expression of a couple's affection. For example: rather than the barbaric "taking" of a name in marriage, not to mention the callous discarding that goes along with it, a couple will instead transliterate the letters and syllables of their names, forming an entirely new name; a sort of fore-shadowing of the physical procreation to come. Another example is the conjoining of a couple's name while dating, signifying the burgeoning "oneness" between the two. Parallels are found in the corporate world as well: with the merging of two conglomerates often comes the merging of their names as well giving us such business icons as "MSNBC," "TimeWarner/AOL," "AT&T/SBC," "Daimler-Chrysler-Dodge," "FoxSports," "NASA," etc.

I propose that we give this trend the boost it needs to become a full-fledged phenomenon by taking on amalgamated names as pairs, even groups of three or four. Who can deny the artistic simplicity of Kim Buhtel, Besse Rhone, Buson Fopson Grifsom, or Jim Bark ben-Barfol Hopler? What better way to signify such great depths of friendship than by sharing a name of our own making? Some may say it is silly, absurd, degrading, or just plain asinine. But, I ask you, what is silly about Keison Fohler? What is absurd in the name Tinjemothy Rhotel? Is there anything degrading about Jen Chodes? And who could call Muddy Hopfiths asinine? Isn't it time to take a stand for conjoined names everywhere, to proudly stand up and say "I am Jenjakuddy Harconithler!?!"

2006-01-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

2006-01-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

the most important blog post of the century - part IIII

2006-01-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

19. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
20. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
21. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
22. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
23. As a kid, Chuck Norris' favorite pastime was setting ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
24. In elementary school, Chuck Norris won the awe of teachers and classmates by being the first person to successfully divide by zero.
25. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
26. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
27. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
28. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

I bought a grill.

2006-01-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

It happened Monday. That's pretty much it.

The A-Team Driving School...

2006-01-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Is a TOTAL FRAUD!!! OMG so i was at this business park to go see this guy about getting some work done for me, well actually for a friend when i saw on the bottom floor next to the stairwell a very plain looking door with a simple sign that said "A-Team Driving School Office." At first i thought i must be seeing things and since i didn't really remember what happened last night afte playing the Equilibrium Drinking Game (where i drink every time someone dies, it gets really crazy at the end). So i counted my seeing that sign as just some effect from the previous night. So i go and talk to the guy, lets just call him Ahmed. After getting him up to speed i told his errend man where to go and it was all set up. on my way back down i saw the same door and it still had the sign on it. So i knew i couldn't be seeing things. Thankfully i have the bloggers best cyber-tool... a camera phone! so i took this picture as proof of the business.
here isthe picture:

I was really starting to get excited maybe i would finially be able to learn the skills of BA Baracus from the A-Team and be able to drive a GMC van at top speed. So of course what i was expecting was to be learning how to drive something like this:

and be able to leave trails of destruction like this:

As i prepared to open the door i got myself ready for the awe of meeting someone who could teach me how to drive a GMC van and blow things up at the same time.
Upon opening the door i was surprised to see a clean looking office with as asain receptionist sitting at the desk.
"can i help you?" she asked
"Is this where you learn how to drive like the A-Team?" i replied
"Yes, it is! What kind of licence do you want?" she said
"licence?" i said. I didn't know i needed a licence to drive like that, but i guess it made sense because you can't just let anyone drive like BA Baracus.
"Yes" she said "you need, class C, class B?"
"Umm... isn't this where i learn how to drive like that crack commando unit that ten years ago was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. who promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. And today, is still wanted by the government, and are surviving as soldiers of fortune. The ones who if you have a problem...if no one else can help...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire The A- Team."

She looked very confused and said there must be some kind of mix up because this was just a driving school.

How lame!!! here i was seeminly moments away from the coolest moment of my life and it turns out to be some kind of adult driving school... hmm adult driving school, that reminds me of another miscommunication i had once.

etymology of the week (intro)

2006-01-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that the linguistics of the blogging world have come under attack as being "low class" and "indicative of the decline of western civilization" (whole article may be found at johnmarkreynolds.com).

That's right, folks, you favorite spellings and abbreviations such as:
1.'luv'
2.'OMG'
3.'U'
4.'I'
5.'ne-1'
6.'lol'
7.'rotfl'
8.'rotc'
9.'2'
10.'4an'
11.'brb'
12.'afc'
13.'ufc'
15.'14 comes after 13, idiot'
16.'MLB'
...are coming under attack! Apparently our favorite shorthand words are uncouth to these drab traditonalists. The great and progressive minds of cyberspace who paved the way for such memorable literary phrases as "OMG RU serius??lol!!!!!waitBRB" are veing veritably accused of diminishing the english language. obviously this technophobic, Straussian laced buffoonery is the drivel that we've come to expect from the conservative blogosphere (a quick look at godblogcon.com is enough to make any of the progressive element tremble in their Star Wars slippers. I actually had to come up from my basement to ask my moms for a bedpan because I was so nauseated by such antidigitalisms).

In response to such digital backsliding, I have decided that I will have a weekly blog defending and upholding the new 'high verbalisticness' of this, our digital generation.

"Happy Holidays"

2005-12-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

it has come to the attention of we at premature articulations that there has been a recent controversy over what one should be doing with oneself in the last few days/weeks of December. in the spirit of tolerance and anti-bigotry that this blog is known for, I should like to propose that everyone celebrate kwanza and nothing else.

why kwanza you ask? we at PA, being quite porpressive, postmodern and into this whole 'language community' thing, agree with the ACLU (Adverbial Culinary Liberative Unilateral (for more information, visit ACLU.com)) that the verbial qualities of a phenomenon be first and foremost in the deliberative-culmative procedure, meaning (in case you're a layperson) that we should do stuff that sounds cool.

why does kwanza sound cooler than Christmas or Hannukah? well, first, it has a 'z' in it, and thats just plain cool. also, it has a k-w phoneme characterstic of the ante-primary indo-eurpoean language oddities, meaning (in case you're a layperson) that words that have the 'kw' sounds are not only rare, but are almost as awesome as words with z in them.

Christmas, though sharing the quality of dual-syllabism with Kwanza, lacks the awesomeness of phonemes, the coolest of which is the 'stm' phoneme, usually slurred nowadays into a very boring 'sm' phoneme.

But what of Hannukkah? One obvious virtue of this holiday is that it can be spelled so many ways, and no one will tell you it is spelled wrong! Some people even spell it with a 'C' at the beginning, and no one even bats an eyelid. We, along with the ACLU see this obvious example of creatificative elasticity as the primary virtue of this long standing jewish holiday. it is nice to see that the dogmatism of maccabees has softened into the verbal laxity so characteristic of the best and most longstanding religious traditions.

One, however, must still lament the implusibility of spelling (C)han(n)i(a)k(c)a(H) with a z or a 'k-w' phoneme. So there you have it, avid readers, PA declares that Kwanza is the best holiday to celebrate this holiday season.

so....anyone know how to celebrate it? Responses please! In the meantime I'm going to be saying it over and over while i find new spellingual permutations for 'hannakah'.

Bloody Cows

2005-12-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

I am trying to find a suitable BBQ grill on-line. So far I've met with very limited success. I've found many crappy grills at low, low prices, and many amazing grills at outrageous prices. So far nothing that I want has fallen into the acceptable price range of 200-300 dollars. Anything under 200 dollars is guaranteed by virtue of cheapness to be cheaply made (thus the price). Anything over 300 dollars is obviously over-priced and thus at least equally cheaply made (probably even more cheaply made). It seems nearly impossible to find a grill that is exactly what I want for the price I want to pay. There need to be a website called makewhatIwant.com/now that lets you input exactly what features you want in a product. Sophisticated engineering technology would then turn your specifications into techinical scematics. These would be sent to automated fabrication plants in Detroit for assembly and your finished product would arrive at your doorstep in 4-6 weeks. Until then I'll be spending numerous hours shopping on the internet. Hours that could be spent doing other things, like blogging and eating steak.

In Defenz of BLogging (part cuatro)

2005-12-27T21:08:00.002-08:00

[emoticon]

insert generic ANGST!!!!

[colored emoticon]

insert pseudo-closure

(thanks to all my readers)

the most important blog post of the century - part III

2005-12-25T01:38:00.000-08:00

12. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
13. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
14. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
15. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000%
16. There is no such thing as "survival of the fittest", just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, instead of a syringe, he requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

King Kong

2005-12-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

Before I knew it, it was over.

No, I'm not talking about the movie (with previews it lasted about 7 1/2 hours). My story begins with the line.

Considering the majesty of line at LOTR, King Kong falls drastically short.

I mean, the movie's not even number 1, and I don't think the video game is going to sell much anyway. (Who want to play "let's run away from the Brachiosaur herd", "vaudeville NY shuffle", or "crazy disappearing rock people shootout"?)

This line sucked. Here we are, a line of hairy gorillas (mostly underaged) half-heartedly pretending to be what is only somewhat the protagonist of the film. But whose going to dress up as Adrian Brody? When they saw someone in an "Ann Darrow" outfit all the gorillas started their Kong cat-calls and started jumping around. Because there wasn't enough B.O. in the line already. Just as one of the Kong's started pretending to save "Ann" from the plastic Jurassic Park dinos he had brought the person in the white dressed turned around and yelled "F-off, you F-ing nerd buckets!" in a voice that revealed their true gender, from a face that revealed a thick five-o-clock shadow. He/She then proceeded to the line for "Brokeback Mountain".

I wasn't part of that queer fracas. I wasn't even dressed up like Kong. I am way to old and civilized to pretend I'm a gigantic ape with the countless teenage males who revere Kong just because he actually does have facial hair. No. I was a paper-mache Empire State building.

I thought the idea was ingenious. One of the few icons from the movie that wasn't standard and lame. It was ingenious. Till the Kongs started trying to climb me.

I was backed into a corner with four or five gorllias hooting and pounding their chests and I thought to myself: "Self- do I just stand here limp until their satisfied, or do I scream for help or reach for my pepper spray?" I tried the spray- it didn't really work because of the costumes, so I spun around and eventually they gave up.

Or at least I think they gave up. I got dizzy and passed out.

I awoke as they opened the doors. I stumbled in after the hairy procession of apes, and pushed my way forward to try to find a seat. And try I did. Apparently the Empire State Building doesn't sit. Or at least not in the chairs in the Regal La Habra.

I finally maneuvered through my paper mache, and found a comfortable resting position when the movie started. Apparently this made all the Mighty Joe Young wannabes really excited because one of them decided it was time to climb me. I was helpless; stuck to my chair.

He made it most of the way up before my paper mache collapsed. I remember waking up to see Kong battling airplanes.

And before I knew it, it was over.

Girlz...

2005-12-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm new to the blog, so i thout id get started out right. Girlz. Their kinda wierd. Does ne-1 undersnad them? OMG, today I was talking to this girl and shesaid shes like not even interested in me ne more and whats up with dat? I mean gosh did our two week relationship mean nothing to u? I don even getit man. ne-1 else got storeis about girlz they wanna share?

the most important blog post of the century - part II

2005-12-17T03:08:00.000-08:00

Need I remind you tht Chuck Norris is yea like unto an angel?

Reasons 7 - 15(aprox). why chcuk Norris kicks [butt]

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f--- down.

9. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

10. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

to Professor "M"

2005-12-17T01:09:00.000-08:00

[EDITED by theworldwillendin1987 for his mom]

yes you know who you are, and i think you even read this blog because it kicks so much [but]. i put my heat and soul into my project Professor M. i even put so much effort into it that i finished it 17 [fracking] hours early! i send you the link so early i knew i had to be the first one. my website kicked [but] and you know it. How dare you say "i almost gave you a 0" you would have to be a [fracking] idiot to give a site that kicks [but] a 0. look, just because you fail to understan the compexities of managing a interweb server doesn't mean you have to mark me down for trying something "risky". You want to know why the link didn't work when you decided to actually check it 48 hours later? i'll tell you why you ignoramus! because you didn't check it earlier! unlike people who know less than me about computers (i.e. most everyone in the [freeking] world) i sometimes re-boot my computer and install new hardware myself. Well i yeah so i rebooted and the TCP/IP settings changed. Once you e-mailed be i immediately began checking into the DHCP settings for the IP tables to make sure they were all aligned with the port forewardings option settings i had created. All this checked out so i did an internal systems status review and found the the DHCP server had overridden my localmachine TCP/IP settings and renegiociated the port forewarding protocol. All of this only took me about 3 min to do and then 30 seconds to fix.
so in the space of 3.5 minutes of recieving your e-mail i fixed the problem and then you have the nerve and gall to e-mail me back saying that i was 10 seconds from getting a zero? you must be off your [fracking] rocker professor M. And then, AND THEN you tell ME that I took UNCESSARY RISKS in hosting it myself!!!

look, i know art professors are stupid and not tech savvy, but [Our Father Who Art In Heaven] you need to recpect my art. What is my art? my art is computers [female doggy] respect it or i will make sure your interweb life is never the same again

Aslan Vs. Alien

2005-12-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

Many fans of the Narnia series know that Aslan is Lord of many worlds, not justof Narnia.

Some Christians claim that he is also Lord of earth, but the Bible says that the incarnate Lord of this earth came in the form of a man. My point? I theorize that Jesus and Aslan are part of a galactic force fighting evil across the universe.

Some say that Jesus and Aslan are the same "figure" or "person" because they both defeated their enemies through dying and resurrecting. Whatever. JESUS IS NOT A FREAKING LION! It says in the Bible that they whipped Jesus, it never talks about his mane! It mentions his crown of thorns, never his fierce fangs and razor sharp claws. And the thing I find the most offensive is that this would imply that Jesus had a tail.

Imagine that on a crucifix.

By the way, Aslan was killed by a witch on a stone table, which is nothing like a cross.

So what do I make of both Aslan and Jesus using the same method to defeat their enemies? Clearly they had the same evil fighting tactics taught to them in their training. That makes sense of everything, without ever having to pretend Jesus was a feline.

Some have asked me, "Yo! Is Neo part of the Galactic good guys?!" For those of you thinking that I have two words for you. Come on. Silly people, Neo is a fictional character. Fictional character. The world of The Matrix could never be reality.

Just ask Gandalf.

So ladies and gentlemen, with that in mind, here's the buzz. The buzz is that there is a script circulating around Hollywood that explains the history and inner workings of the Galactic Posse that the Son of Man and the King of Cats are part of, and that it has them fighting interplanetary evil. That's right, the Alien and the Predator(s). ApparentlyParamount execs seem pretty keen, but there's no official word yet. My guess is that this script will be picked up within the next year, depending on the success of the first Narnia film and the possibility of sequals. We will probably see a preview between 2008-2010. Unless the world ends (*caugh* Edwin...).

Thursday

2005-12-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

I slept in until 12:30 today. Slightly distressing because I distinctly remember intending to wake up on Wednesday. Either my memory of Wednesday has been snatched away, or I completely failed to wake up and go to work. I might be fired right now and I don't even know it! I suppose one other possibility exists: that Wednesday was so boring and pointless that I suppressed all memory of it.

The Lion, The (White) Witch, and The Wardrobe

2005-12-15T03:20:00.000-08:00

I am finally back from the premiere of Narnia in New Z-land. I became distracted after the movie by a role-playing game invented by some fellow Narnia nerds and missed my flight back - that's why this post is so belated.

The good Bishop asked me what I thought of the movie, so I will do my best to capture my profound and abstruse response. If I had to describe the movie in a word I think that it would be: Ubiquitous.

That's right, the movie seemed to be everywhere at once, yet always where it needed to be.

Think of the fact that there is no perfect time corollary between the two worlds. Lucy is gone for hours visiting the stereotypical Faun Tumnus (a coarse and flat sketch of fauns that will damage their reputation for years to come), and when she returns from the wardrobe she finds no time has passed for her real-munity on earth. (There is another example of this but it is a bit of a spoiler, so I will refrain.)

What does this imply? It implies bifurcated time corridors and/or multiple time paths anti-integrated within our interpersonal carbon self-identity structure! Lucy's self and body transport into a separate time continuum retaining its essence and/or articles!

This is not the end of Lewis' profound insight. In the spoiler example, the interpersonal carbon self-identity structure (body) and articles (clothing) are changed! This implies a complex algorithmical cooridination within different times (and/or Time itself). Through this coordination C.S. Lewis is herein suggesting that time, earlier suggested as birfurcated, might be a complicated unity.

Besides his groundbreaking insights into physics (much like the character "Weston" from Lewis' Space Trilogy) Lewis offers insight into ancient tradition and history: through his love (may I say, obsession) of antique furniture.

The book is titled The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe which leads to many asking the question: "What the Hell is a wardrobe?" This is not merely a literary device meant to shake the reader from their comfortable and all-too predictable world of furniture, but also insight into the magic and/or science (magical science?) of antiques. Perhaps the most profound question the movie arouses is that of the wardrobe: its existence and definition.

Readers of the series might think that I am alluding to the history of this particular wardrobe; but this is in fact not of the least importance. Though the wardrobe possesses a dark and sinister background (History of Violence?) the point here is that Lewis is embarking upon a journey into the formation of all wardrobes. After all, there is a reason that a wardrobe is a wardrobe, and not a closet or dresser. There are many lions, but Aslan is the Lion; where is The Wardrobe? I suggest that it is neither in Narnia or England, but the wardrobe that Lewis wants you to discover and love is the one down the road in your neighborhood antique store; the one that you must learn to appreciate.

Lewis, as Christians will tell you, was an activist. What they won't tell you was that he was a furniture activist.

If you haven't discovered to land of Narnia, do. If you haven't journeyed there; you must, for it contains so much. There is a beaver, a witch, and an imaginative and profound land as solid and ancient as your grandmother's hutch.

"Is that Delivery?"

2005-12-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

"No, it's DiGiornio!"

lol!!

I try to stay up on all the latest flavers of the "America's" best pizza (tm), Digiornio. They snuck one out on me, I didn't catch it until last week. So it is official: I have tried the new Wheat crust Digiornio Pizza,

Overall I give it a 7/10, which is pretty d*mn low for the best pizza on the planet, but see below for details:

Taste: 7/10 - the crust was decent. OK, I'll admit, the crust was good, like most digiornio experiences. But the sauce was wierd! I don't know. They changed something. I don't know, it was just different and kinda gross.

Flavor: 7/10 - did they change the peperoni's flavor too, or is it just the new Crest anti-bacterial alcohol-free mouthwash I've been using? They tasted funny to me.

Sensory experience: 7/10 - I liked the crust, and the pepperoni's were all right, but the sauce reduced what could have been a great experience. Too spicy, and also it tasted sorta funky.

Mastication Value: 7/10 - Could have been better. It was a little too tough and overcooked. Keep at it Digiornio!

Oral enjoyment: 7/10 - Typically, what they say is true: "Digiornios make mouths happy." My mouth was a full three points happier with the traditional crust/sauce/pepperoni combonation.

Stimulation of glossopharyngeal Nerve: 7/10 - My cranial nerves could have handled a bit more high fructose corn syrup in the sauce.

Price: 10/10 - Digiornio's cost me a significant amount of my food budget (haha), but that's the price for the best pizza in the history of mankind. Call me an elitist, but i don't eat anything else (pizza hut, bleh!)

Overall Satisfaction Value: 7/10 - see the above fro details!

ticket(z)

2005-12-14T15:17:00.000-08:00

I got a parking ticket for parking my old 1987 Corolla in the parking lot of "Super-O Tires." What the hell? (sorry mom) The car is broken, what am I supposed to do with it? The city officials have no sympethy for me and my current financial situation. I dont have the $$ to paint it fire-red like it needs, let alone fix the radiator on my old doll (i love this car, she's just old), and my parents said it is unsightly so get it out of the driveway and off the street (streest sweapers and stuff every week, too). SO I pareked it in an EMPTY FREEKING LOT WHERE NO ONE EVER PARKS SO WHY WOULD THEY GIVE A CARE AND I GOT A TICKET!??!

Anyways I spent a few weeks deciding what to do about it. I am big into social justice, a "fanatic" you might say. LIke I bought a One t-shirt, and I have a heart for Africa.

I went back to get my old precious car when I FOUND YET ANOTHER TICKET ON MY STEERING BOARD. WHAT IN THE HELL!!

As we speak I am on hold with the La mirada sheriff's deparment. I think the front desk lady sensed my wranger (wrath and anger in one) and they dont' want to take my call.

I will call back.

the most important blog post of the century - part I

2005-12-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

50 Reasons why Chuck Norris kicks [butt]:

This is sorta dirty so sorry. I editded out all the bad parts cuz my mom reads this blog (Love you mom!)

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

to be continued...

Chuck NOrris rules!

LOLz i know i should be studying but...

2005-12-13T09:34:00.000-08:00

Nerd Purity Test lol this test is funny, i had to check all most all of the boxes... i'm emberassed!
haha, ok back to studying i guess

Caffene is my friend!

2005-12-13T09:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know how i would get along without my coffee! its finls week this week and i've been only studying. Who here needs sleep? I sure do! i've got 5 finals today, but its cool because i've been studyin' like a mo fo you know? i didn't sleep at all lastnight so i could studying more. I'm surper tired right now but its coo' because along with the 5 cups of caffeneed coffee i've had this morn' i've been going through a couple of the gun katas i memorized from Equilibrium to help clear my mind, its really helped! n e ways i better get back to more studyin'! lol! study study study, thats all i'll do!

Will the real King of Narnia please stand up!

2005-12-09T13:21:00.000-08:00

So I am posting this from my blackberry while in line for Narnia. I have been out here since Wednesday.

We keep ourselves alive by rationing our food (it's been raining/snowing so we have plenty of H2O) and by huddling together for warmth. We should run out of granola around 3pm today, but we still have some popcorn kernals to chew on. We should be able to make it through the movie.

Or at least some of us. I am lucky. I'm in line next to Timmy-S who's dressed as Aslan. I'm Beaver, so between the two of us, we manage to stay warm; though the rains have made the mane more of a curse than a blessing. I was wise to dress like Beaver. I should have brought the stuff to build a dam.

The White Witch isn't doing so good. She worked herself up when she first got here. "Grab them! Grab the sons of Adam and daughters of Eve! Curse you Edmund, you cloned them!" Eventually she lost her voice and grew faint. After the second night, it looked as though she was the one turned to stone.

When the rains came, she and the dwarf huddled together for warmth. I not sure who got the better end of the deal.

I can't write much more now. My fingetrs arek toooo coldah to tuype...nnj

1 2 3 and to the 4...

2005-12-09T11:54:00.000-08:00

Throughout the United States, it would prove a difficult prospect to find a person between the ages of 15 and 35 who does not instantaneously recognize the lyrics “One, two, three and to the four, Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre are at the door.”

Latnight at Narnia towards the end of the movie there was a line during a serious part of the movie that had the whole audience in laughter. When Aslan says "[One, Two, Three,] and Where's the Four?" there was an obvious illeration to this famous rap song by Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre. That was way cool! i was totally blown away at how the director managed to sneak that bit of pop cultre that nearly all of america could identify with into the movie. Mad props to that director whereever you are.
Although i was a little confused why everyone was talking about some timeus guy, i think they meant to say Timmy-S, the long time friend and "ghostwriter" for Dr. Dre and Snoop.

other people on the rhodes

2005-12-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

Just the other night i was driving home on the 5 at like 2am trying to get home before the buzz really hit me harders and stuff. So there were a bunch of Cones and stuff on the road and so i was like getting over and stuff and some stopid jerk decide s to speed up so i can't cut him off to get over. geeze ! why can't other persons on the rhode get a clue and be looking for people who need the space ont he rhode more than they do... what am i supposed to do? jsut drive intot he Cones? next time i'll just hit the stoopid diver that does get out of my way. that would teach that #&$^%I*@*#$&$ a lesson!

I would like to say something

2005-12-08T03:08:00.000-08:00

I would just like to say that stometimes, people need to PAY ATTENTION WHERE they're looking when they drive! I swear! I was going home on the 5 interstate this evening at 2am and oh my god! there are orange cones everywhere, so i think i wasn't the only one a little disorientated, and this guy cuts across like four lanes to get into the left lane RIGHT WHERE I WAS AT THE MOMENT. he almost hit me if I hadn't slamped on my brains just moments before bumper-to-bumper contact. If you are reading this, sir, or maam, PLEASE BE MORE CAREFUL in the future. Seriously.

In Defense of Blogin' (parte dos)

2005-12-06T23:47:00.000-08:00

(emoticon)

stop

(passionate emoticon)

full stop

In Defence of Bloggging (part i)

2005-12-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

I love blogs because they're my own personal diary for the world. You don't know what that means? Well, keep investing your time in this blog to find out.

Blogging is an excellent tool to keep me journaling. What's more is that now I can share my personal activities and thoughts with all my friends. I can even share it with total strangers! In the past all sorts of things got in the way from me sharing all my immediate personal thoughts and my darkly honest feelings from others' eyes. Limited copies, distribution issues, even the lock and key to my diary - that possession I used to guard more than all others - all those problems have been resolved through the beauty of the World Wide Web.

The cost of distributing smut through the net has been offset by the mere instance of you reading this warm and friendly blog.

There is beauty and excitment in the ordinary. There is poetry and nobility in the mundane. Why shouldn't I read the mundane and ordinary thoughts of people? Why shouldn't I hear another whiny teen moaning about the cruel world? Why shouldn't I spend an evening cruising MySpace visiting the countless skanky sites of 13 year old girls? What could I possibly do that could be more beneficial than that?

And then there's the community. One time, I was chatting postrrrgrrrl405, and I totally felt like we connected. (That was years ago, before I was engaged.) But even now, I re-read the text of our chat and feel like somewhere, out there, there's an angel. A real, honest to Gates, Angel.

But the real benefit is what blogging does to enhance extra-cyber-communities (known in blogger circles as "realmunities"). Now, if my friend from Comicon or BiMonSciFiCon wants to know what's going on in my life, all he has to do is read this blog. I don't have to call my friends to see what's going on, they have it all right there, for the whole world to see. I will tell you right now one of the greatest benefits that you see who is really your friend. The chances are that they are more honest on their blog than they are to you!

I am so grateful to blogging for helping me narrow down my group of friends. I used to have 37 friends in my cell phone book, but since the party at Rodman's house, and all the crap that ensued, I now only have 4. It makes Christmas a lot cheaper! (Also, I can still read my ex-friends' blogs anyway, so I know what's going on.)