Drawn and Quarterly: Why the Gentlemen of Biola should have Sex Now!

Why?

Because "the leer of a Christian virgin is a strange thing." writes GQ, "a kind of intense, unintended tick or seizure."

Walter Kirn is right. These Abercrombie wearing, ESV Bible reading, cappacinno drinking, Coldplay listening, Plato quoting rebells represent the trendiest and most alien of all subcultures: The Christian Ascetic. Everything from giving up your Saturday night fever for your Sunday morning fervor to sublimating your libido into heart-wrenching intimate conversations with others makes these "preprogrammed" religious robots part of a dreamlike-albeit-deadly dorm experience.

Holding back from sexual acts leads to ingnorance, claims Kirn. "If someone has no idea what constitutes sex...then how would he know he can barely wait to have it or be so sure he'll enjoy it when he does?" I find this true from my experience as well: most of my remarkable insight came from consistant coitus. But before I had sex for the first time I was afraid I would hate it: I could have waited for years without the urge to do anything. As one of my friends said soberly, "the first time, I thought it would be like government paperwork." Now that I have had sex, I am awake, and more aware of my body.

And I, like Kirn, now know that sex is enjoyable, but not that enjoyable. Sex is great, but it's not as great as the virgins depriving themselves of it think it is. Come on. It's funny how the people I am so mad at depriving themselves of such a great good think it's such a great good. How can you deny yourself something that's such a mediocre good? Don't you realize how important it is to have this all-right bodily need taken care of whenever possible? Come on you crazy, chaste Christians, sex wasn't such a big deal until you decided not to have it.

And these brainwashed virgins think it’s going to be utterly fantastic, as if it were part of some sacrament. They think that it has something to do with souls and intimacy and love and something like nuclear fusion - making two people one, when really it's just flesh rubbing.

That is what I find so offensive: these good looking, God loving, otherwise cultural palpable are telling me that sex can be greater than I've been conceiving. They're telling me that I could have a better time than I am having now, be in a better relationship with my lover, and be better person than I am now. In short, sex could be a better part to a better and whole life. And they're frukn' virgins! Losers! What do they know?

Kirn is almost impressed by the citizens of Biola, the collegiate citadel of chaste Christians. "I watch the sun-kissed virgins come and go … and I can’t help but wonder if they’re on to something. They seem more at ease than I was at their age. When the girls say hello to boys, the boys don’t cower, and when the boys hail the girls, the girls don’t flinch. The whole atmosphere is composed, Edinic, safe, the way Hair said the Age of Aquarius would feel once America's young people made love not war. But the dream failed, and those who watched it fall are dreaming… to usher in an age of peace and freedom by making war on making love."

Kirn you weak minded fool! Biola isn’t an idyllic picture of serenity and peace! First of all, most of the population are conservative right-wingers, who would take away abortion and the morning after pill, while sending the poor to Iraq to kill innnocent Islamic terrorists (what did they ever do to us?)! This is an elaborate front for a conservative army that will invent guilt from the pulpit, the CEO chair, the psychologist’s coach, and the Sout Dakota Senate seat. They have determination, cunning planning, and a prayer to see their “kingdom”ushered into this earth.

Secondly, as Kirn points out, these kids aren’t without high individual cost. This new trend of chastity (not founded in the Bible but surely invented as a reaction to Hair) tears these kids up inside. They may walk around with apparently good relationships with each other, but we all know that they are torn in two by the constant denial of their libido. If you look close enough, I’m sure you’ll see it.

All of these chaste Christian conservatives need to get with the program and act like normal people and have sex. Why? Because it’s causing them grief and guilt. It’s making them stupid in regard to their body’s wants and desires. It’s making them pawns in an elaborate conspiracy to take over their world. But what is the main reason that Biola should make their chaste couples copulate immediatly? Because "the leer of a Christian virgin is a strange thing."