Hunger is for Idiots, PEONs rule

Things have been pretty quiet at PA lately. That is because most of us have been busy stopping world hunger.

And we (and the U.S. Department of Agriculture) have succeeded. We have completed step 1ne of the Planned Evolution Of Nutrition (PEON) that will eradicated hunger by 2016. Step 1ne consists of cognitive evolution: that is mental transcendence, or the introduction of scientific terminology that accesses the reality of our self-discerning mythos of our empirically cultural being and reality. In other words, we're calling hunger something else.

And that something else is... "very low food security!" That's right, after years of serious scientific contemplation the enlightened PEONs have realized that "hungry" is an unenlightened and scientifically bereft term. Mike Nord, a PEON and lead author of the USDA annual report explained that "hunger is clearly an important issue, but lacking a widespread consensus on what the word 'hunger' should refer to, it's difficult for research to shed meaningful light on it." Hunger is an important issue, but who can really know what issue we are talking about when your employ such a scientifically bogus term? I know I don't.

PEONs have been getting some heat from the unenlightened who think that the term is "bulky," "misleading," and "stupid." PEON has responded by saying that the feel that they cannot respond until "criticism has been levied using scientific and therefore meaningul phrases instead of adolescent adjectives. Until such time PEON cannot expect to research and change any proposed problem."

Yet the question remains, why bother to change the term? Like all other smart people, PEONs are reductionists, that is they realize that we can reduce the human aspect of our common experience to more real and important things - like referring to "pain" as "C-fibers firing", and the "soul" as "neural networks." "When we can surpass the deceptive, unscientific speech of human experience we have power over the experience" says PEON Melky Melkovovich, creator of "very low food security" who invented the term after watching Arrested Development's character Gob try to describe his feelings. Like realizing that a car is more accurately an internal combustion transport unit, you can see it for what it is: the sum of its parts. This explains the motto of PEON step 1ne: "2+2 = 2+2". By using reductionistic methods PEONs will be able to perform rigorous scientific work capable of determining how they can stop what was archaically called "hunger." And so far the progress is fantastic - PEONs now believe that hunger may be caused by a shortage of available nutrition substances, or food.

What can you do to stop world hunger? Stop using the word. For example: change "are you hungry?" to "are you very low food security?" We also advocate pulling out your Dirty Dancing soundtracks and changing the song "Hungry Eyes" to the more accurate and compelling "Very Low Food Security Eyes."

P.S.

And yet the Washington Post (hotbed of EvangelRightWingConspiriFanatics) mocking us!

At least the USDA doesn't have jurisdiction over national monuments. Otherwise, just imagine it going after the inscription on the Statue of Liberty next: "Give me your energy-deficient, your financially challenged, your space-impaired masses yearning to breathe free."

In related news, the Eastern Orthodox Church has been fasting during the holiday season. What the crap? Since when do you get off not eating food during the holiday season? I mean, I'm no capitalist, but not supporting the consumeristic heart of the holiday season is just unpatriotic! I just want to throw a plate of Swedish meatballs in their face and yell at them for not eating when there's kids starving in Africa. Fasting - my vegan a**!?