The Need to Feed

You may have been wondering as to why The Ben – our most popular blogger - has not posted on PA recently. It is with much sorrow that I regret to inform our massive audience of the reason for his hiatus: he is a vampire.

That is to say he has diabetes.

Many of you Blade and Buffy fans out there already know a lot about vampires: they have human assistants, a thirst for blood, and occasionally a Gypsy curse provides them with a soul. You also know that they don't like light, garlic, and stakes driven through their heart. They most often have ties to secret and powerful societies such as The Pentaverat, The Knights Templar, The Girl Scouts of America, and Dan Brown. You know this, and I know this: and the vampires know we know this.

But I digress. Let me give you a couple hints about how to tell if your friend is a vampire.

1. Capes. Vampires often start thinking about wearing (if not actually wearing) capes. Cape coloring provides a rather strong hint as to the reason for the apparel. One thing that tipped me off to Ben's vampirism is that he was wearing a black cape with a red inside lining; which is why I didn't buy it when he sheepishly told me that he was getting ready for the release of Superman Returns. I haven't seen the movie yet but I'm pretty sure that Superman doesn't say "the blood is the life!" as he soars above metropolis. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Spooky Voices. This may include subtle catch phrases such as: "I never drink...wine," "It looks like you might have good taste," or "I really want to drink someone's blood right now." Vampires frequently use pick up lines like "can I get some O negative with that plasma?", "how 'bout we get you out of those clothes and into my punch bowl?", and "I really want to drink your blood right now." I was tipped off when The Ben hit on a girl by looking at her clothing label on her shirt and saying: "Just as I thought, 'Enjoy with dark chocolate or strawberries'." Also beware that vampires often slip into Transylvanian accents and enjoy Boris Karloff imitations.

3. Hospitality. The Ben has taken to reciting "Enter freely and of your own will and bring some your happiness with you." before he lets people cross our threshold.

4. Sunscreen.

5. Dietary Changes. Be wary if your friends suddenly and often avoid garlic. They will usually accompany this with other dietary changes and will say that they are "dieting" or "have the diabetes." Statisticians suspect that 47% of diets are vampire related.

6. Hunger and Thirst. Frequent and urgent need to eat is a major symptom. Often it is expressed with short, animalistic phrases such as "must eat! NOW!” or "I must feed!" and the occasional "I really want to drink someone's blood RIGHT NOW!" Subtle statements like this should let you know that something is not right. Vampires often will drink lots of water and need frequent trips to the bathroom, which coupled with sudden weight loss are signs that the normal nourishment for humans are inadequate for your friends "special" needs.

Now you may be saying to yourself, "self, aren't those symptoms for the diabetes?" Yes, they are... which proves my point. Diabetics are vampires. As Blade and Underworld show us the age of technology has drastically changed the life of the common vampire. Blade uses a serum to help him control his thirst, a serum that he (does this sound familiar?) injects into his bloodstream. That's right folks; this serum doesn't have a name for Blade; because he doesn't want to expose it for what it is: insulin!

Come on people, you know it's true: don't be naive. Vampires live around us, and most of them have their disease covered by their health care.