King Kong

Before I knew it, it was over.

No, I'm not talking about the movie (with previews it lasted about 7 1/2 hours). My story begins with the line.

Considering the majesty of line at LOTR, King Kong falls drastically short.

I mean, the movie's not even number 1, and I don't think the video game is going to sell much anyway. (Who want to play "let's run away from the Brachiosaur herd", "vaudeville NY shuffle", or "crazy disappearing rock people shootout"?)

This line sucked. Here we are, a line of hairy gorillas (mostly underaged) half-heartedly pretending to be what is only somewhat the protagonist of the film. But whose going to dress up as Adrian Brody? When they saw someone in an "Ann Darrow" outfit all the gorillas started their Kong cat-calls and started jumping around. Because there wasn't enough B.O. in the line already. Just as one of the Kong's started pretending to save "Ann" from the plastic Jurassic Park dinos he had brought the person in the white dressed turned around and yelled "F-off, you F-ing nerd buckets!" in a voice that revealed their true gender, from a face that revealed a thick five-o-clock shadow. He/She then proceeded to the line for "Brokeback Mountain".

I wasn't part of that queer fracas. I wasn't even dressed up like Kong. I am way to old and civilized to pretend I'm a gigantic ape with the countless teenage males who revere Kong just because he actually does have facial hair. No. I was a paper-mache Empire State building.

I thought the idea was ingenious. One of the few icons from the movie that wasn't standard and lame. It was ingenious. Till the Kongs started trying to climb me.

I was backed into a corner with four or five gorllias hooting and pounding their chests and I thought to myself: "Self- do I just stand here limp until their satisfied, or do I scream for help or reach for my pepper spray?" I tried the spray- it didn't really work because of the costumes, so I spun around and eventually they gave up.

Or at least I think they gave up. I got dizzy and passed out.

I awoke as they opened the doors. I stumbled in after the hairy procession of apes, and pushed my way forward to try to find a seat. And try I did. Apparently the Empire State Building doesn't sit. Or at least not in the chairs in the Regal La Habra.

I finally maneuvered through my paper mache, and found a comfortable resting position when the movie started. Apparently this made all the Mighty Joe Young wannabes really excited because one of them decided it was time to climb me. I was helpless; stuck to my chair.

He made it most of the way up before my paper mache collapsed. I remember waking up to see Kong battling airplanes.

And before I knew it, it was over.