School starting

I live in a house with a bunch of nothing better to do college graduates. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do any kind of school work when you liberal arts housemates sit at home drinking beer and reading academic books for fun? Its retarded! Here i am reading textbooks because i have to and my housemates have the gall to be reading for fun in my presence? I just want to shout at them and tell them to go do something better with their time, like practice on the Soul Calibure 2 martial arts simluation program so i could actually have some competition when they actually get away from the books and challenge me. Granted, i don't expect them to be so good they would beat me but i would at least like to loose some health once and a while.

*meow meow*

I am not faddish.

I heard that the latest thing to do for the kids to do is to start "Fight Clubs" where they beat each other up in order to learn good life lessons and to keep it real instead of being decadent. It's a fad popularized by the Brad Pitt movie "Meet Joe Black" where he travels to see the Dali Llama after being traumatized by Kevin Spacey cutting off his wife's head.

According to the homies in my gang everyone and Julio's mom are in these clubs.

For those of you bandwagon face beaters I have a strong word for you: whatever. Me and my hombres have been doing something way more cooler than all o' that. We have Scratch Club (tm). Scratch Club (tm) is where we introduce a member to a rabid cats claws through a series of well planned "fights". For instance, there is one where we tie catnip to a member’s ankles and around his neck, and then throw upwards of 7.5 tom cats into the room with him. We go until the leader says it’s enough. It seldom lasts over 50 seconds.

In another act of rebellion against our cooperate lives, we tie a guys' hands behind his back, gag him, and drop a cat on his face. This one is quicker, but some swear it's a valuable pathway to existential alignment.

One of the more horrific methods used in The Club (tm) is one that is colloquially referred to as : The Couch Potato. Here a member sits motionless on a chair while two cats use whatever part of his body they desire to sharpen their claws. It is this one that really includes audience participation. "Watch TV will you!"" Take that lazy-face!" The peer pressure really encourages the member to stay still. Plus, if he moves, we drop a cat on his face.

Some have said that our Membership (tm) poses cruelty to animals. Come on. Let's to the math. Fight Clubs are beneficial to people's existential well-being. You want to exclude cats from improving their existential well-being? You want to be the one informing the poor little tomcats that they can't sharpen their claws on our earlobes for some lame-booty political reason? The cats love this!

Don't believe me? Cat psychologist Dr. Richard Polsky does (visit him on the web at http://www.dogexpert.com/Polsky%20PR/catpsychologist.html). Richard H. Polsky, Ph.D., C.A.A.B is a certified applied animal behaviorist. According to Dick "the stalking, pouncing, and attacking behavior directed towards moving objects, such as the arms and legs of an owner, are usually manifestations of the cats' predatory tendencies. This type of behavior is frequently found in the context of play." Hear that everybody! The cats are playing with us. Under the guise of "cruelty to animals you want them to deny their instincts and put a stop to their play, well I am not for it!

I would rather have a cat dropped on my face.

What no Man has Bought Before

I was interested to learn that William Shatner has sold his kidney stone (a show stopping chunk of calcification that brought the star to his knees during shooting on the set of Boston Legal), for $25,000.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/4623280.stm

Shatner is somewhat notorious for strange ideas with limited appeal (have you seen Tek War?), but this is more often the norm rather than the exception for aging stars. Besides, his magnanimous good humor makes stunts like this (and others) endearing rather than vexing.

What mystifies me is that the stone was actually purchased for $25,000. The mind boggles to think why anyone would want to own a kidney stone. Intrinsically, this stone has negative worth - unless, I suppose, one had a pathological dislike of Shatner and therefore desired to own the instrument of his agony. That being the case, I think the footage of his painful collapse would be infinitely more valuable, and more cathartic to own, and watch, and watch again.

Also mystifying to me is this article with its British take on Shatner's charitable auction (did I mention he sold it for charity?):

http://www.theinquirer.net/?article=27784

Its insipid and unfunny writing is banal and uninformative in the utmost. Further, it makes use of vaguely disturbing words like "telly" and "flog" in a conversational manner that makes me feel precisely the way one would feel if talking to an insipid and doggedly unfunny Brit in person.

Fish Cruelty

The topic of the day is fish cruelty. I am referring of course to the asthma awareness Public Service Announcement (PSA) featuring a dying goldfish.

http://www.noattacks.org/psa.html

I am certain that the fish did not enjoy this. Despite the disclaimer on the "No Attacks" website, I cannot help but think that the fish must have at least suffered emotional and psychological trauma. But, this causes me to wonder, how does one judge cruelty against an animal that has no means of communicating its displeasure to its torturers? Perhaps we have not done enough to understand the ways in which fish communicate. This PSA is undoubtedly for a good cause, and the air starved fish is intended to represent the victim of an asthma attack. Still, I question whether the means have polluted the intended end.

Imagine if a real asthma attack had been featured in the commercial. Imagine the public outcry if an innocent child was allowed to suffer on a widely televised PSA. I ask you, is the fish not just as innocent? Who are we to judge the suffering of a child worth more than that of a fish? Certainly any fish would disagree. But have we asked the fish? A fish? Any fish at all? I submit that we have not, and the burden lies with us human beings, nay - as living creatures, to ask them. Are we to proud to learn the language of the fish and enquire of them a simple question? "Do you, the undersigned, wish to appear in this commercial, having full knowledge that this involves approximately 30 seconds of acting in an asphyxiated state - which carries with it the risk of extreme discomfort, brain damage, and possibly death - further do you waive all liability for yourself and family members in the event that one of the aforementioned potentialities does in fact occur?" Really, how many fish must suffer at the cost of our vain desire to have happy, healthy children?

Name amalgamation

One of the new, and I think more delightful trends, is name amalgamation as an expression of a couple's affection. For example: rather than the barbaric "taking" of a name in marriage, not to mention the callous discarding that goes along with it, a couple will instead transliterate the letters and syllables of their names, forming an entirely new name; a sort of fore-shadowing of the physical procreation to come. Another example is the conjoining of a couple's name while dating, signifying the burgeoning "oneness" between the two. Parallels are found in the corporate world as well: with the merging of two conglomerates often comes the merging of their names as well giving us such business icons as "MSNBC," "TimeWarner/AOL," "AT&T/SBC," "Daimler-Chrysler-Dodge," "FoxSports," "NASA," etc.

I propose that we give this trend the boost it needs to become a full-fledged phenomenon by taking on amalgamated names as pairs, even groups of three or four. Who can deny the artistic simplicity of Kim Buhtel, Besse Rhone, Buson Fopson Grifsom, or Jim Bark ben-Barfol Hopler? What better way to signify such great depths of friendship than by sharing a name of our own making? Some may say it is silly, absurd, degrading, or just plain asinine. But, I ask you, what is silly about Keison Fohler? What is absurd in the name Tinjemothy Rhotel? Is there anything degrading about Jen Chodes? And who could call Muddy Hopfiths asinine? Isn't it time to take a stand for conjoined names everywhere, to proudly stand up and say "I am Jenjakuddy Harconithler!?!"

I bought a grill.

It happened Monday. That's pretty much it.

The A-Team Driving School...

Is a TOTAL FRAUD!!! OMG so i was at this business park to go see this guy about getting some work done for me, well actually for a friend when i saw on the bottom floor next to the stairwell a very plain looking door with a simple sign that said "A-Team Driving School Office." At first i thought i must be seeing things and since i didn't really remember what happened last night afte playing the Equilibrium Drinking Game (where i drink every time someone dies, it gets really crazy at the end). So i counted my seeing that sign as just some effect from the previous night. So i go and talk to the guy, lets just call him Ahmed. After getting him up to speed i told his errend man where to go and it was all set up. on my way back down i saw the same door and it still had the sign on it. So i knew i couldn't be seeing things. Thankfully i have the bloggers best cyber-tool... a camera phone! so i took this picture as proof of the business.
here isthe picture:


I was really starting to get excited maybe i would finially be able to learn the skills of BA Baracus from the A-Team and be able to drive a GMC van at top speed. So of course what i was expecting was to be learning how to drive something like this:

and be able to leave trails of destruction like this:

As i prepared to open the door i got myself ready for the awe of meeting someone who could teach me how to drive a GMC van and blow things up at the same time.
Upon opening the door i was surprised to see a clean looking office with as asain receptionist sitting at the desk.
"can i help you?" she asked
"Is this where you learn how to drive like the A-Team?" i replied
"Yes, it is! What kind of licence do you want?" she said
"licence?" i said. I didn't know i needed a licence to drive like that, but i guess it made sense because you can't just let anyone drive like BA Baracus.
"Yes" she said "you need, class C, class B?"
"Umm... isn't this where i learn how to drive like that crack commando unit that ten years ago was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. who promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. And today, is still wanted by the government, and are surviving as soldiers of fortune. The ones who if you have a problem...if no one else can help...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire The A- Team."

She looked very confused and said there must be some kind of mix up because this was just a driving school.

How lame!!! here i was seeminly moments away from the coolest moment of my life and it turns out to be some kind of adult driving school... hmm adult driving school, that reminds me of another miscommunication i had once.